I wanted to say
I love you.
I used to always ask my best friends
how they knew when they were in love
but with you,
I just somehow knew
and now I understand what it means
to wish to drown someone
yet save them at the same time.
I wanted to say it out loud
but I didn’t want you to think I was crazy
and I didn’t want to give you even more power
when you are on your way
to owning me.
my anaconda really wants to but my mom said no :/
I found this gem today at the thrift store. It’s never been opened!
I’ve spent my 18 years of life trying to be okay with the fact that humans fade in and out of each others’ lives. No matter how I think about it, I can’t make it sound romantic or poetic. To those who have already passed through my life and to those who eventually will: I love you. I miss you. The back door will always be unlocked if you ever feel like coming home.
Your Hands, They Ruined Me
My thoughts spill like the vodka in your favorite coffee mug that you walk so carefully with
I am a grey pale moon, a wool scarf that’s full of static electricity, the rusty nail you step on
My words are the entangled ball of thread you pull out of a sewing machine and toss beside the waste bin
My veins are the kite strings you break when they’re tangled.
I am the flower you picked just to watch die
You’ve engraved your words on my bones
As I pluck the splinters out of my skin, left by your hard touch
Filling my lungs with cancer to live
I remember when I was ten, I held hands with a boy for the first time
I was so nervous, and I didn’t want anyone to see, so we put our backpacks on top of our laced fingers.
When I leave my house, i’m nervous
Strangers eyes meet with mine for the first and last time
Their lips curve into a smile, forming a greeting on their faces
Is it him?
Is it her?
You taught me that smiles aren’t always kind
And laughter doesn’t always mean things are funny
It doesn’t feel good
to be “wise beyond my years”
It doesn’t feel nice to be
the mature one
who offers you sound advice
I am filled with answers
and questions, questions, questions
but no explanations.
IT DOESN’T FEEL GOOD | Lora Mathis (via lora-mathis)
I dreamt of you last night. I saw you in the mall where I walked by you and said hello, but you only waved. I saw you again in the cafeteria as you were on your way out. I stopped you to talk for a few minutes. You sat with me, and we talked about everything we could think of before you had to leave. We hugged before we parted way, and I wanted to lean in and kiss you like I would’ve done so many times before. You could sense that I wanted to. You asked me “you still love me, don’t you?” Before I could answer, you were gone.
There’s nothing better than being proud of yourself. Than realizing that you’ve grown, matured, and a little closer to the person that you really want to be.
Be careful who you make memories with. Those things can last a lifetime.
i. I think I have fallen in love with September because of the way it is the beginning of change, or the end of it. You see, it is the when I say goodbye to my flip-flops and bikinis, when I turn my back on the scorching summer sun. But I am welcomed in the arms of colored leaves and Autumn breezes and I have never felt more in place.
ii. September weeped with me when I was left by the first boy I ever kissed. It witnessed a bright sunflower transforming into a dead tree with bare branches, not a leaf in sight. The dirt swallowed my tears and the wind covered up my cries. It stayed with me night after night until the sleeves of my sweaters dried up.
iii. I learned that trees did not die when the weather turned cooler in September. The falling of leaves is what helps the tree survive through a bitter cold winter. It seals the places where leaves would grow in order to skip the game of death. So maybe people are that way too, closing up and thinking it is the end; but it is not.
iv. Somehow, I like to associate September with endings but I have to say that it has brought many new starts in my life as well. Friendships, new hot drinks at my favorite coffee places, odd adventures, and new feelings.
v. Change isn’t bad. Change is the falling of leaves; one, two, three leaves slowly touching the ground. And between those shades of orange and yellow and brown is a voice calling your name. You may not want to make a mess but you’ll end up with a smile on your face the second you dare to jump in.
You won’t hit your goal weight and magically be happy. Or pretty. Or have everything you want. No one is going to drop to your knees and worship the ground you walk on because you’re skinnier now. That’s not how the world works. This idea of “starving will make you happy” is so dangerous.
- Today, I started my classes at my new university, which I was feeling really excited about up until now. I miss being home, my friends, my old university, and just about everything that I left behind when I moved. I came here to a new city and new school because I wanted to have a chance to grow and mature and become someone I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. I wanted to break out of my comfort zone.
- What I've come to realize is that it isn't fun and games. It's hard work, and it is expensive to live on your own. I haven't had a real meal in over a week. I haven't had any real human interactions that ranged beyond a simple greeting. Also, I'm sad and lonely. I miss everyone back home, even the people I didn't like. I miss being surrounded by people I'm familiar with.
- In this new city, I know nobody and nothing. I've never been here before and quite frankly, I'm terrified. I've never felt so uncomfortable before. Not only am I uncomfortable in this city, but I'm actually fairly uncomfortable in my own skin. It's come to my attention lately just how young I am. I've always acted and felt more mature than those in my peer group, which is how I managed to get into university at such a young age. Despite this, it has become an issue in finding a place where I feel like I belong. I don't quite belong with the freshman cohort because I cannot stand how immature most of them act. I'm certain they'll grow out of it sooner or later, but for now I couldn't imagine spending more time than required with them during the new student activities. Yet, I'm slightly intimidated by the upperclassmen, which have the demeanor that I enjoy and a similar status as my own. In addition to that, we have a slightly harder time connecting being that I am generally much younger than they are.
- Back home, I had a friend group that always made me feel at home and welcome, but I'm finding it much harder to start over than I presumed it would be. I haven't met anyone that I desire to become friends with. Nor have I met anyone that has even peaked my interest. It's not through lack of trying. I've put myself out there on multiple occasion with little to show for it.
- My hopes are that in the next few weeks things start to turn around because if not, the next few years are going to be absolutely dreadful.